I think being a yabanci, an expat or an immigrant (call it what you will) is extremely bloody hard. I am not going to whinge and carry on today but rather tell the tale of when The Turk first arrived in Australia all those years ago. Let me turn the table on my usual yabanci whinge-fest and tell you all about how The Turk coped when he was the yabanci arriving on foreign soil, a stranger in a hostile land, so to speak.
Life in Australia was good for me in 2002. Daughter was a damn good baby. I had a job that I loved and I lived in an apartment that was all mine. I was content and having The Turk arrive should have made my life pretty much perfect. Shouldn’t it?
Post 9/11 the Australian visa process was daunting but with perseverance and his sponsorship being guaranteed by an amazingly supportive friend, The Turk arrived in Sydney one sunny morning in December 2002. Not wasting a moment The Turk hit the ground running and by the first week of January 2003 he had procured gainful employment as a storeman and packer. He was good at his job because he wanted this job. He didn’t love the work but he wanted this life in this strange new world to be a success.
My friends and family were welcoming and The Turk soon turned my friends into his friends although, as hard as he tried, he just wasn’t fitting in. I knew it and he knew it. No one spoke Turkish and Turkish people were as scarce as hen’s teeth where we lived (read that as non-existent). No one understood what he was going through or where he was from and perhaps I was not as helpful as I could have been. During those early years Australia was not an easy place for a Muslim and The Turk was racially discriminated against by strangers and even the police on more than one occasion.
The Turk began to drink and gamble. I knew he liked a drink – still does – but the gambling was a problem as we did not have that much money to start with. Was I as supportive as I could have been or help him deal with his obvious addictions? No. I turned on him and badmouthed him to whoever would listen. The bright new world was slowly becoming jaded and life was becoming more difficult.
By 2006 The Turk had had enough. This new home had beaten him and, while Turkey may not have all the bells and whistles that Australia has, he gave me an ultimatum. Return to Turkey with him and forge a new life there. I refused to leave and finally he packed his bags and returned to Turkey without us.
After six months in his homeland The Turk returned a new man. Still gave me a migraine daily but at least he had fresh vigour about his life and what he hoped to achieve in Australia. He got not just one new job but two, landscaping by day and a sous chef by night. He was happy. He was working his ass off, providing for his family and could hold his head up high.
He still had not made any friends however and we really had no family other than my father who had remarried. The Turk brooded a lot and we fought a lot, until finally, after one particularly explosive argument, he broke down and told me the truth. The real truth.
He had never really adjusted to his life in Sydney. To Australia. As much as he loves Australia and he loves his family and friends living in such a foreign environment was just too damn difficult. He had no support. He had no one who understood how he felt and Australia had slowly broken him. Into tiny, little pieces.
Obviously we got past that dark time in our life and we stayed together. Sure he drives me crazy but he is my Turk and I do love him. Sometimes.
The point to my reminiscing is this – moving to a new country has so many hurdles to overcome. There is a drama at every turn. Renting an apartment, finding a job, obtaining your visa. Bloody hell it is hard work. Doesn’t matter who you are or where you are from this is a fact.
When I first arrived here in Mersin it was difficult and there were a lot of tears. Two years later it is still difficult (and there are still tears). So what do I do? Do I give up? Run home?
I can now honestly say I understand why The Turk left back in 2006. I really do. Mersin is no Sydney and life for me back in Australia would be so much easier. I would have my friends. I would return to my fantastic job working with people I adore. Life would be grand. So why don’t I run home? Why is it that I am coping in this chaotic country while The Turk collapsed in the reasonable sanity that is Australia? Simply put I have met a great group of people who I can truly call friends. They understand just how crappy a crappy day can be here in Mersin and will laugh right along with me (or pull me back from the abyss if necessary). This was what The Turk was missing in Australia.
To anyone who is taking the plunge in a foreign land or to those of you who have their partner moving to yours know this one thing. Find a support system that works for you and surround yourself with people who will lift you up when needs be. Of course social media makes finding these like-minded people that much easier (man how I wish there was FB back in 2001). I can thank social media (and this blog) for finding my support network – they are my rock. Yes! You guys truly rock!
janeyinmersin 
Very very true.!! I survived the three years I lived in Mexico because of the wonderful expat community who became my friends and my family. Plus facebook and skype helped to connect with loved ones far away. I understand what the Turk went through and what you are going through. Good luck.!!
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Ha! You’re only saying that because it’s true! 😀
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Very well put. People think that because you choose to move it’s a bed of roses, and if it isn’t you shouldn’t complain. But nowhere is perfect, and while I accept the rough with the smooth as part of the new life I love, good friends and strong support is essential.
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I think living in a country that is not originally your own, with or without a partner, will always be work in progress. You have both done well to try and overcome the feeling of alienation. Happy Valentine’s Day!
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Janey….as usual keeping it very real!
Many people going through what you have been through over the years have had similar experiences. I hear them say I wish I had done this or that differently…. I wish I would have not given up on the love of my life in a foreign country for reasons out of my control, be it family, finances, bureaucracy etc. etc.
Maybe one of the reasons it did not work for them is they did not have what you have, BACKBONE instead of wishbone.
I really enjoy reading your blog. when I open my emails….yours is the first one I open, thank you for your blogs, your true life stories, your sometimes hilarious way of retelling a story, your sense of humour, and opening up your life to all that read them, to help, make us laugh, sometimes cry, and find support we need, information about places you have visited, and opening your heart to us, sometimes through difficult circumstances.
God Bless you and yours.
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Thanks for stopping by on my blog! Loved this post, and I agree totally, except for when you said you wish Facebook was around in 2001. I’m glad there was no social media between 1995-2007… My 20 yr old self thanks me 😉 looking forward to more posts.
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A very honest post that should probably be handed out with one’s first residency visa.
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Great post Jane!
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Such wise words and great advice, from your personal experience and perspective.
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Finding a support system is so important. Before I made any real friends I was ready to pack up and go home. But slowly I got to know some people who were in the same position as me. And they’ve made my stay in Turkey go from tolerable to enjoyable.
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Am I the 12,001 hit? This made me teary. Your yabanci tribe loves you and I am so thankful that we found each other! Life here has gotten so much better since we all emerged from our shelves and met each other.
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I would sign under every word. So true! And sometimes it is so difficult to explain to your partner what are you going through, especially when your “support system” is only available by phone and Skype. I get that it’s much more that some people had 15-20 years ago, but still doesn’t replace the joy of speaking to a friend in person.
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Or a hug. A hug means so much when you are having an expat moment.
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As usual a great read. One thing I would add is that if you are an expat living in Turkey with an expat partner, it is sometimes hard not to be consumed with the difficulty of neither of you knowing how to get through the day to day things (at least at first) and never being able to leave it up to your partner to do things as they are as much in the dark as you are. I have always had a lot of Turkish friends but want them to stay that way, not become permanent problem solvers. That said, you do learn a lot about yourself and your abilities when you are a stranger in a strange land!
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Yes that is true. In Sydney I would spend half my day paying bills, lodging documents, arranging electricians, all the things that would normally be shared between partners. Here the exact opposite is true and it is up to The Turk. He, of course, hasnt lived in Mersin since he was 18 so has absolutely no idea what to do. He has never dealt with the Nufus or needed to deal with any other Govt office and it becomes and roundabout of mess. He now is a stranger in his own land.
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I did just find your blog after searching my bloglovin for a few minutes 🙂
My husband is from Adana, so its so funny to read aboute someones life not so far from there.
I also been living in Turkey, and i Love it! But no we are in Norway for doing sme davings to buy our own home and work in the east somewhere 🙂
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As a foreigner living in Sweden, with its people showing a lot of subtle discrimination against others, I totally understand.
(Well, read that as racism, although they would rarely accept the truth and always stick to political correctness, which is way worse…)
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I often wondered why you would stay in the same country with him. You were able to make friends.
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I love Turkiye. Its a wonderful place to live. Daughter was also happy here (when she was younger). Now that she is an adult she can see the difficulties for young people. The terrible pay and the conditions that they work under. She is returning to Oz in the coming weeks and will hopefully make a good life for herself there. Will I return as well? I’ve got my pets and they can’t leave but perhaps in the future it will be time for me to return home.
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I’m happy your daughter is going to move back to Australia. She has family there and knows how to speak English.
Hoping your books will sell and you can build your dream home wherever you want to live.
Wish life with the Turk had been better for you.
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