A reader recently brought the movie “Ay Lav Yu” to my attention and I cannot believe that I hadn’t seen this Oscar worthy movie before.  It is my everything!  I laughed.  I cried.  I related.  I had a lot of thoughts — 120 thoughts to be exact.

So here’s what I want you to do.  Grab some ayçiçeği çekirdeği and some çay and sit down to experience this piece of cinematic masterpiece while reading my commentary.  It will be like we are in the room together.

I watched it in Turkish but I have found this link on YouTube with English subtitles so a few of my thoughts may not make absolute sense because of my rubbish Türkçe.

Ready …

Let’s go …

1. Is there a place called Tinne? *Google’s Tinne*  Bilmiyorum.
2. I’ve jumped ahead of the story.  The village doesn’t exist to the Powers That Be or to Google apparently.
3. Okay.  It is east of Mardin (probably not the best place to be right now).
4. Our first glimpse of Romeo.   Excellent moustache.  Thick and well combed.  It is Sermiyan Midyat.  Not loving him here but like a fine wine he has aged well.
5. Even better we meet Büyük baba. I already anticipate that he will be the real star of this movie.
6. Are there two mothers?
7. Ibrahim will be their saviour.
8. I’m getting real strong Lion King vibes.
9. That realisation that you live in a shithole.
10. Ibrahim is in love and she is from Colarado. Colarado?  Colarado?  Yes fecking Colarado!
11. Büyük babalar are the same everywhere in Turkiye. The exact same!
12. Steve Guttenberg.
13. The theme song seems to be the whole story to music. This will save time.
14. It’s a love triangle and she is devo.  I will call her Bunny boiler.
15. Her father might be an asshole.
16. AND there’s a spinster.
17. I’m ignoring the sheep jokes.
18. Everyone is ripping everyone else off. Burası Türkiye!
19. Gossiping villagers. This is my life.
20. What’s with the crazy kid with glasses?
21. He just smacked himself in the face!
22. And again!
23. I’d throw a rock at him too Baba.
24. The lovebirds met in Adana. At the otobus terminal.  I’ve been to that terminal.  No way anyone would fall in love there.
25. Cue flashback music.
26. The Bunny Boiler is his cousin!  Yikes!
27. Ibrahim’s like “you tripping girl”.
28. I’m getting very thug.
29. Here she is.   Of course she is blonde.  All yabancı are blonde.
30. Her Turkish is worse than mine.  I bet she’s a teacher at the Incirlik base.
31. Ooh ha! $120US!
32. Fight! Fight!  Fight!
33. True love right there folks.
34. Meanwhile Spinster is clearly desperate to bang the yabancı brother.
35. Good luck with that visa (especially in today’s political climate).
36. Bath scene. That’s hot.
37. “Cesika” LMAO! I so relate.  They call me “Yane”.
38. The musicians are back giving us an update just in case we stopped to make çay or something.
39. Büyük baba puts on his good silver teeth for company.
40. Has Steve Guttenberg done anything since 3 Men and a Baby?
41. The mother is clearly a Stepford Wife.  Diet Coke  pfftt!
42. Steve Guttenberg’s acting skills are totes unappreciated. He’s channelling Brando right there!
43. The priest is Ibrahim’s father? They must have some crazy key parties in Tinne.
44. Wait!   Oh I see.
45. I’m pretty sure that The Turk wasn’t that excited when I first came to visit his family.
46. Did they sacrifice that sheep?
47. The halı isn’t big enough. Is anyone else laughing at that?
48. Phew the sheep is still kicking.
49. Actually no one in The Turk’s family was this excited when I arrived.
50. Control yourself girlfriend.  The whole village is watching.
51. Let’s all make you feel welcome by shooting guns in the air.
52. Two things – the sheep is dead and the yabancı brother is a pussy.
53. Feck Steve Guttenberg. Büyük baba is the real star of this film.
54. “Türkçe konuşamıyorlar”.  Clearly.
55. Where the hell are the lovebirds? Are they off having a quickie?
56. Yes love is love but watching this is like passing a kidney stone.
57. Ibrahim speaks even less English than The Turk did when I met him.
58. He won’t kiss her! Such a gentleman.
59. Wait he kissed her. She must be a yabancı slut.
60. The Bunny boiler is scoping them out.
61. Time for some çekirdeği.
62. They’re all going to end up with haemorrhoids.
63. Aviator sunglasses makes Büyük baba look cool as feck.
64. Yes it’s funny, the futbol topu is irregular.
65. What’s with this crazy kid with the glasses? What metaphor am I missing?
66. Baba just told the kid to “Siktir git!”. Well done Baba.
67. Now he called the kid the “child of a prostitute.” Did he?  Feck me!
68. Ibrahim and Cesika have finally graced us with their presence.
69. Oh man I’m laughing. The Turk is the same, never explaining the long diatribes and simplifying everything with “good” or “no problem”.
70. Küçük piç! Steve Guttenberg said a funny.
71. The sleeping arrangements! I’m dying!
72. She’s converted.
73. Steve Guttenberg is truly a master.  How has he been ignored by the Academy for so many years?
74. Hold up. She knows enough Turkish to have this relationship but she doesn’t know about the Nazar?  Give me a break.
75. BWAHAHA Cesika’s FACE!!!
76. Bunny boiler is pissed.
77. “I am a Muslim but my sin is not.” Someone should put that on a t-shirt.
78. The yabancı brother is rocking some pale abs. If he sparkled he would be a vampire. 
79. The kizlar are going deli for that white boy.
80. We realise that the freaking futbol topu isn’t round. That joke has been done already.
81. The bunny boiler just got a slap down! I knew he was an asshole.
82. Is she dead?
83. Now people are dancing. That seems harsh.
84. Open buffet!
85. They’ve been in the village for two days and this is the first time Steve Guttenberg has gone to the toilet? He must be totally backed up.
86. Sit and shit! Sidenote: my family here had a sit down toilet installed for me when I first came to the village.  My MIL was so happy she cried!
87. The bunny boiler has a bun in the oven!
88. Chinese whispers … and that crazy kid is hitting himself again!
89. Well that’s that then isn’t it?
90. Oh bok! 9/11.
91. They don’t have water and they steal their electricity but DNA testing is a viable solution.
92. Büyük baba is channeling Einstein.
93. Ibrahim is not the father. Tebrikler!
94. This wedding is jinxed.
95. An immaculate conception.  Seems legit.
96. It took the US 10 years to track down Osama Bin Laden but Steve Guttenberg did it in 10 minutes.
97. This is taking a very dark turn.
98. Spinster is going all Terminator on everyone.
99. This really is going to be a shotgun wedding.
100. OMFG they just circumcised the yabancı brother! OMFG!!!
101. American toilet’s for everyone!
102. So very confused.
103. Groundhog Day.
104. Again nope.
105. Can anyone tell me why the baby chicks are pink and yellow?
106. I now realise that the musicians are timed so The Turk can go for a cigarette.
107. Okay now I just feel bad for Baba. He doesn’t exist.
108. I am upgrading Bunny boiler’s father to a moose knuckle. Trying to steal the village away from Baba.
109. Are they waiting at the Devlet Ofisi for an answer? They could be there for two lifetimes.
110. Moose knuckle got denied.
111. Blah blah blah. Joke done already.
112. Seriously it took me 3 years to get my kimlik but in Tinne they are handed out like candy!
113. Wedding – Take 4.
114. Steve Guttenberg is all up in the funk.
115. I am totally shipping Yabancı brother and spinster.
116. It was the musician! Vindication for Ibrahim!  Does anyone else think it should have been Saito.
117. 10 years later …
118. The cow has eaten the whole car.
119. Ibrahim and Cesika standing on Pride Rock (The Turk called it Fraggle Rock).
120. My Lion King analogy is not complete without a baby and Elton John.

Wait.  That’s it?  THAT’S IT??

But … but what about the yabancı brother and spinster???  There had better be an Ay Lav Yu 2 with the yabancı brother and spinster moving to Colarado.  They have five children.  Yabancı brother has chance meeting with ex-girlfriend and embark on a torrid affair.  Spinster goes all deli and kills him.  Meets a TV reality star (maybe a Kardashian) at her hearing.  Gets a boob job and moves to Hollywood where she becomes an actress and meets Steve Guttenberg.  Full circle.

What did you think of Ay Lav Yu (or of my outline for Ay Lav Yu 2)?

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