Does anyone remember that episode of “How I Met Your Mother” when Ted made a list of all the things that he and his friends were all too old to do? Barney then ran out to prove Ted wrong putting himself through absolute misery only to be forced to accept the final reality that he is growing older. Yep I am Barney. I am Mautaugh. I am me.
Anyone who knows me personally knows that I am not a big fan of New Years Eve. Highly overrated. In fact my very first post all the way back here was about how my New Years Eve blew bat balls but that particular NYE brought me to Turkey and to my new life. A dramatic story. This one – not so much.
We need to rewind a few weeks to really gain insight as to how My Mautaugh Realisation came into being. We begin at an expat Christmas party where a party person (who shall remain nameless) told me I looked pretty good for 49! What. The. Royal. Feck!?!?! Being full of the holiday spirit (which is pretty hard to locate in Mersin) I chose to take this backhanded compliment (was it a compliment?) with a grain of salt and party on regardless of my obviously (to everyone but me) aging and decrepit self.
Then last week I was on a dolmuş when an older lady (shall we say slightly older than me) offered me her seat. This in itself is unusual as it is normally only boys or men that stand to offer a seat however in this instance she called me yenge (aunt). Are. You. Shitting. Me?!?! Biytch you look more haggard that I have ever looked. Please!
Which brings us to yesterday. New Years Eve. It started well. I got interviewed by the local television station as an expat and what it was like to be in Mersin for New Years Eve. I had lunch in my favourite café at Ataturk Park and it was playing all my favourite tunes. From INXS to Rick Astley it was an actual dance party and I was loving life. Then … I went to the hairdresser.
In Turkey you can go for a wash and style or blow dry for next to nix. In fact 8TL or AU$4.00. See – next to nix. Anyway while there my usual hairdresser told me that she was going to curl my hair as it is way too thin to blow straight. Excuse me? She then handed me a little ball of my hair as a gift. O.M.F.G! What is going on? First I am aged to 49, then suddenly I am a yengi to a haggard beast of a woman and now my hair is falling out like my grandmother (no I am not going to mention Daughter’s Alopecia although she took great pleasure in bringing it up and offering me her hair tonic) this morning.
Like my hair my good mood gurgled down the drain and I started my New Years Eve celebration slightly dark. Arriving at our destination I perked up considerably (although when I found how much I was paying for a bottle of wine I felt slightly violated). By midnight I had danced until I just could not dance any more. I learned that he (or she) who holds the hankie wields a lot of power on the dance floor of a Turkish restaurant. I drank more Raki than a sensible person should although I still detest the taste of Raki and finally I found myself running through a portakal grove throwing oranges at strangers while watching fireworks as the New Year rolled in. By 2am I was knackered only to find out that there were no more dolmus and no taksiler to be found. So no bus and no taxi. Now what? Hitchhike? With my 12 year old? No I had to wait for my brother in law (who was with the band) and so I found myself being the last people to leave the lokanta at 3.45 this morning – not bad for an apparent 49 year old!
I woke this morning covered in huge bruises (no doubt from an orange pummelling), a broken heel, makeup running down my face and not much memory of how I actually got home. At that moment … I had … My Mautaugh Realisation.
I am definitely getting too old for this shit!
Herkesin yeni yıl kutlu olsun. Happy New Year everyone.