Warning – excessive use of Game of Thrones memes following. Continue at your own risk.
I am well versed in the art of the squat toilet and it is an art form indeed. I know that the squat toilet can be grosser than gross. I know there will be a bucket or a hose and I know what to do with it. I always BYO my own paper, never trip over the step and always remove my mobile before pulling down my jeans. Hell I even carry my own sanitizer, as it is highly doubtful that there will be any soap – a nightmare for any self-respecting germ-a-phob such as myself. Yes sir, I know my way around a squatty. Nothing is going to phase a squatty pro like me but last night my worst nightmare came to life. A nightmare so terrifying that you, gentle reader, will run, not walk, from the next squat toilet that you come across. This story proves that there is no rest in a rest room, no dignity in the long drop and nothing but crap in the crapper. This is my story.
My most recent post discussed the hava (weather). It has been cold, not polar vortex cold but cold enough for me to go all nerdy and proclaim “Winter Is Coming” a la Game of Thrones. See what I did there? Throne? Toilet? It will become clearer.
Last night and despite having succumbed to Daughter’s sickness I found myself at dinner with some Turkish friends at a lokanta down by the sea. It was really no hardship as we had been without electricity for most of the day and we also had no running water so cooking dinner was going to be a bit of a trial anway. By the time we got to the restaurant the downpour had become a monsoon and it was colder than Joffrey’s blackened heart so I did what I always do to fight the cold – ordered a bottle of red. Dinner was excellent and I enjoyed myself immensely forgetting about my sinus headache and the gale that continued to howl outside.
After quite a few glasses of wine it was time for me to visit the iron throne and I toddled off in my high heels to locate the bathroom behind the lokanta. I opened the door and my first reaction is my normal reaction when I see a squat toilet. “Ewww”. My second reaction was to hold my breath as I stepped in and locked the door behind me. I did what I needed to do, made slightly easier in the high heels funnily enough, and turned to flush. The hole below me began to groan, a strange groan akin perhaps to Hodor fighting against a Lannister – “HODOR” – and I stepped back to make a break for freedom. As I took that step in my heels I slipped, whether it was from the rain or the urine soaked tiles I will never know, but I found myself on all fours facing, but thankfully not actually in, the squatty. Phew.
As I took a moment to regain my composure the toilet gave another groan, this time it was the groan of the dying Oberyn Martell as he took his last breath (I mean honestly his head looked like cantaloupe that had fallen from a horse and cart!). I stared at the squatty as the groaning intensified and suddenly, to my horror (and taking into account that my head was no more than 30 cm from the gaping hole) my “sacrifice” along with everyone else’s began gurgling up intent on escaping from its excrement stronghold. It was Mt Etna coming to life! Dear God in heaven help me! I scrambled to my feet ignoring the thoughts of the germs that now were embedded in my hands from my fall and I fumbled with the door handle as the slow moving mountain of shit continued to escape from its volcanic dungeon. Holy shit! Literally, there was shit everywhere no doubt a casualty of the flooding that was happening outside the lokanta! The ground became a brown carpet of evil and I threw myself against the door, yelling at the top of my voice “Bok! Bok!” I ran into the open air gasping for breath and staring at the shit that was now slowly oozing through the doorway and wondered why I never have my camera when I really need it!
The owner came running and it did not take him very long to realise what had happened. He began to holler at me, at his staff, at Allah and anyone else who would listen. Not really sure what I could do to help I left him to it and skidded across the courtyard back into the restaurant leaving my shitty foot prints trailing behind me. I stood in front of my friends completely soaked, freezing cold and partially covered in shit. Instead of sympathy they reacted in exactly the manner that I would expect all friends to react. They laughed.
Finally and continuing with the Game of Thrones feel I have going I add one final meme.
I thought it was funny.
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Oh Janey! I feel your pain! I have several “squatter” stories, but none come even close to this! Am laughing so hard that the cat is convinced I’ve finally cracked, and is waiting for the men in white coats – they come from Manissa! – to take me away!
Best post I’ve read today 😀
Absolutely made me howl with laughter!! When I first arrived for my 5 week “holiday” last December, I was so desperate for the toilet by the time we got “home” from the airport and Metin showed me he toilet. I literally nearly cried when I saw this hole in the ground. As clean as it was I started ranting that I would not live in this house if that was the only toilet. Luckily for me he was joking. I have now kinda got used to the fact that in some places I would have to make do with this “situation”.
Loved loved loved “Theon” meme
The Turk’s family installed a “sit down toilet” for me when I first arrived 13 years ago now! His mum thought it was the greatest invention in the world. She said she would never go back to squatting – and she never did!
Ha! Oh, the glorious memories! Took me right back to an encounter with a squat-job (geddit) before I had back surgery. Getting right down on the job was impossible and resulted in various contortions to get into the bomb-aiming position. Count your blessings, at least you were only partially slimed – unable to get down properly I managed to dump inside my trousers! I did not return to the party!
Inside your trousers! Priceless! I think that’s a story you need to blog about Alan.
You know how to tell a tale. It must have been totally disgusting, ghastly, etc. But it makes for a great blog post. I can just picture the scenario.
Like I said I wished I had my camera with me. Action shots!
What a nightmare indeed. At least the groan wasn’t human (unless yours of course) but what a mess. As for the squat toilet, I found an interesting image on google of the very same but never used it in the post of the time. Talk about getting the angle of dangle right, and someone has designed a loo to do just that! Hell fire!! 😀
Oh my Jane….I have plenty squatty toilet stories. I told my hubby we had to get a “proper” toilet before we got married and sure enough they got one put in. I try to avoid needing to visit the little girls room when out and about to avoid the lovely pungent aromas haha….. oh that blog made me laugh xx
Almost 10 years ago, I traveled to Morocco and was there with my daughter for almost 2 weeks. One of the hotels had showers with grating over it. Some people didn’t take the grating off to use the latrine underneath it. All I can say is thank God for 50 cent flip/flops!
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OMG! This has not happened to me — yet — but I feel it is only a matter of time. I know to carry my own sanitizer and paper. I also know to keep my balance. But to slip and fall? You are the bravest of brave to survive!
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