Two Years Ago

Two years ago today I sat in a doctor’s office with my father, his wife and my brother.  I sat there listening to a doctor tell my father that he had no time left, that the cancer was winning and to make arrangements for palliative care.

I had no idea.  I had no idea that he was sick.  I knew he had had surgery in January but he and his wife still travelled overseas in February.  They were even making plans to go away in July.  He was not sick.  He was fine. 

I had been in Mersin in April when I received an email from my brother telling me to come home, telling me that our Dad was ill.  No one told me.  Dad didn’t tell me.  His wife didn’t tell me.  I then got an email from my boss telling me to come home.  I was scared.  I tried to telephone my Dad and my brother but I could not get onto any of them as there had been a big storm in Mersin and it had knocked out all telephone and internet.  I finally got onto my Dad and he said he was fine.  His voice was cheerful, he was telling jokes.  My Dad always told jokes, legendary jokes.  He said that my brother was being overly concerned. 

It took days but I finally got onto my brother who told me to come home – now.

My next problem was getting a flight.  This is not always easy.  We had flights arranged for the next week.  I tried to change it.  It was difficult.

I finally got home.  I spoke to my brother.  I still remember it.  I arrived home at 11 pm and I rang my brother first thing the next morning.

“Jane, there is nothing they can do.”  I was at the shopping centre buying milk and bread for breakfast.  I collapsed on the floor and wept.  People walked around me, embarrassed by my outburst.  I did not care.

Two years ago today I sat in a doctor’s office with my dad, his wife and my brother.  Two years ago today I was told that my first love, my dad, was being taken from me forever.  Little did I know that it would be a mere 3 weeks before he left me.

Two years ago.

33 thoughts on “Two Years Ago

  1. Hate to click ‘like’ for this post Jane, but it is a well written account and we can really feel what you are saying. Thank you for sharing. You have some great memories of a great man, that cannot ever be taken away. On that score, you are indeed blessed.

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  2. Oh Jane, I am so sorry. I know exactly how you feel when no-one tells you what is going on. My Dad had a heart attack 30 odd years ago that I never knew about, and when he was taken into hospital in 1996, it was 12 hours before anyone told me.
    He was getting better, talking about coming home, when he had another, never regaining consciousness. He died the day after my 40th.
    My thoughts are with you. I have such wonderful memories of my Dad, and I know you do too. You have his spoons. I have my Dad’s cardy, a poem and some marquetry.
    Precious, priceless and irreplaceable, just like our Dads. XX

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  3. I know this is so hard for you but remember you did get to say goodbye. My dad fell on the floor with a massive heart attack and died immediately. By the time I got home he was laid out and the wake was happening. It took so long to come to terms with losing him. I really feel for you right now

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  4. A beautiful piece. No matter how much I loved my dad, he wanted to go. I was lucky, I got to sit by his bed for a few days holding his hand, but finally he died while I was out to lunch with my son. I was devastated, I had no idea the grief that would follow. It was 21 years ago that he died, but I miss him still today. What a beautiful piece. Thanks.

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    • Yes I think he said “enough”. He had made his peace and was ready to go on. I think of the day that he went away and know that I was there to give him one last hug. One last smile. One last kiss.

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  5. I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand…I lost my mom 10 years ago this December. She was not just my mom…she was my best friend. Keep your father’s memory alive by remembering, telling stories, looking at photos. It will do you good.

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  6. I am so sorry Jane. My father passed 22 years ago and my heart still longs for him. Oddly, I wrote a post today in one of my other blogs about those who pass before their time. Dealing with that loss is so very hard. If you are interested, I will send you the link.
    May God’s love surround you and bless you with peace and comfort in your time of sadness.
    Easter

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    • I understand the sentiment behind the ‘like’. Yesterday hit me like a lead balloon, its not even the anniversary of his death, merely the pre-cursor to his death. I am told that the second year is harder with grief that the first. Very true.

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  7. Oh Jane I am so sorry. I have tears in my eyes reading this. You have used great expression in your post, obviously from your heart. My dad died when I was 13 from a heart attack, there were no goodbyes, one day there and the next gone. I often wonder would it have been better it we could have said goodbye. By the sounds of it, the pain is still the same.

    Being half way around the world would have been frustrating to say the least. Thank the Gods that you arrived home in time to have time together to say all that you wanted to, or at least try. One small mercy out of a tragic situation.

    Love and Hugs xx

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    • Oh Kaz. You too brought tears to my eyes. The loss of a father is painful at any time but to lose him when you are but a child would be tremendously difficult. Like I said my father was my first real love. The first man that I loved. He taught me what to expect in boys and in men. He stood there staring down on the boys that came to my door. And yes he gave The Turk a tough time at the beginning but he grew to love him (well like him at least).

      Although your time with your dad was not as long as you would have liked I know he would have loved you just as much as my dad loved me.

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      • I just started to write something back but that would only have made us more misty eyed so I have deleted it. I thank you for your kind words and I hope tomorrow you will have happy thoughts. Cant wait for your next adventure or past one, no matter the subject material. You have a wonderful way with words.

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  8. I’ve watched so many families go through this in my work. I can’t tell you how many times I saw someone hang on until a particular date or a certain visitor arrived. I’m so very glad you got home to see your dad.

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  9. So sad to hear your story. I hope where ever he is now, he is in good hands. You must be missing him and his jokes and its hard. Be happy and make his happy times part of your memory. Good luck 🙂

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  10. I am sorry to read about your loss. You have captured it beautifully, and let us know what your dad meant to you. He has come alive to us in your words. Thanks for letting us in.

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