Category Archives: Bureaucracy = OMFG!

Losses and Lessons Learned

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When I first moved to Mersin, Türkiye I befriended a ginger stray. I named her Evil because, quite frankly, she was a feral cat who hated everything and everyone. I made it my mission to win over her love and I’m pleased to say that I did.

At a little past 4AM on 6 February 2023 Evil started screaming—LOUDLY! She raced into my bedroom and jumped on the bed howling in my face.

“Bloody cat,” I grumbled to myself.

She wouldn’t settle down so I got up and wandered down the hallway in the darkness to let her out onto our terrace.

I had just crawled back into bed when it began, the first of devastating “twin earthquakes”. And while I had experienced earthquakes before here in Mersin, this one was different. It was much stronger. I currently live in a mid-level building but I have no direct knowledge of the quality of its construction so when the windows started rattling, the lights began swinging in a terrifying motion and the floors and walls began to shake I was scared.

“Earthquake!”

The epicentre of the first earthquake, a 7.8 magnitude, was outside of Gaziantep, approximately 200 kilometres from Mersin.

The second quake, a 7.5 magnitude, followed nine hours later, its epicentre 100 kilometres further north in near Ekinözü. Daughter and I had just returned home when this one struck. The building sounded like it was groaning and “popping” as it shifted back and forth. This one seemed worse, and we quickly moved to a doorway to ride it out.

The city of Mersin escaped virtually unscathed with only minor damage reported. But the cities of Gaziantep, Kahramanmaras, Urfa, Iskenderun and Hatay, not to mention Northern Syria, have been all but wiped from the face of the earth with nothing but mountains of rubble and twisted metal left behind.

It is difficult for me to articulate the thoughts that are currently zooming around in my head. We are safe. We have a home and food and are warm. We are fortunate, but too many families weren’t so lucky and are living through the most unimaginable horrors.

So far more than 28,000 people have been killed and tens of thousands of people are still missing. More than 100,000 people have been injured and hundreds of thousands of people have been displaced.

This is a disaster that Türkiye and Northern Syria were not prepared for, despite what officials may say. The destruction zone is over 99,000 square km’s. For context that’s larger than the country of Hungary or the Australian states of New South Wales and Victoria combined.

Our village here in Mersin has a large number of extended family from Hatay and the loss and grief can be felt in every home. My beloved sister in law lost family members and the few who were lucky enough to be pulled from their home are now safely here in Mersin.

People have asked me why was the damage so bad?

I have opinions as to why so many buildings collapsed, particularly those new-builds that were built to “withstand earthquakes” but for the sake of my family I won’t elaborate further. Those of you who live here in Türkiye already know the answer. For those of you who don’t, a simple Google search will provide you with more information.

Instead, let me tell you the story of my sister in law’s family.

Their home was in the ancient city of Antakya, in Hatay. It was built well over 50 years ago as a single storey dwelling. When children grew and married, they built another home upstairs, and so on and so forth. All in all, the building was four levels. Four levels equal four families. Grandmothers, aunts, uncles, parents, children and grandchildren all happily living together under the one roof until 4:17AM on 6 February 2023. Sadly, the foundations and columns were not designed to withstand the additional weight of those three levels and when the first earthquake struck the building collapsed.

Their entire neighbourhood is no longer standing.

Can you imagine?

Now imagine that in an area of the city you live in. Single-level residential buildings or multi-level residential buildings. New and old. Completely gone.

It has now been six days since the earthquakes struck. Governments and international organisations from around the world have responded with assistance but here on the ground it was the Turkish community who acted as one to assist with rescue and humanitarian efforts, even before any AFAD (Ministry for Interior Disaster and Emergency) teams arrived in affected areas. Within hours trucks were rolling out from Mersin with rescue teams as well as desperately needed food, clothing and medical supplies.

People are miraculously still being found alive and pulled from the rubble of their homes. We all pray that there are still more survivors that will be rescued in the coming days but the chances of finding survivors decreases as each day passes.

So, what happens now?

Türkiye will rebuild although perhaps not on the time-frame stated by those in charge.

With thousands of buildings now rubble across dozens of cities it will be years before these cities will resemble their old selves. Even intact buildings that look fine, their structural integrity may well be damaged with more buildings will likely need to be torn down.

Rebuilding critical infrastructure will be a high priority. The affected cities water supplies, sanitation services, electrical grids and transport have been damaged. Hospitals, schools and government buildings have collapsed. Right now, telecommunications to some of the smaller villages is still out (and I won’t make reference to the recent blockage of Twitter imposed at a time when rescue teams were using that form of social media on the ground to collate and map locations of people trapped under the rubble).

Here in Mersin survivors have been arriving daily. Hotels, dormitories, conference halls and private homes have opened their doors to provide temporary accommodation to those citizens who are in need, but this is only a short-term solution. Continued support and aid will be needed for many years to come.

What can you do to help?

I know times are tough for all of us right now but the best way you can help here is to donate money. The honest truth is that the collection of goods from abroad, while done with the best intentions, may never end up on the ground here due to many factors such as damaged roads, and inclement weather right now. Countries such as Australia and the US are just too far away. Money donations however will ensure that items that are so desperately needed will be purchased from locations close to the disaster zone. This will enable the fastest possible delivery to those people in the greatest need.

And don’t forget that even a small sum will make a huge difference here. You’ve probably already seen the posts on social media but just a reminder:

€10 is 28 loafs of bread.

US$10 is 130 bottles of water.

AUD$15 is 46 baby nappies.

AHBAP is an NGO based here in Türkiye. You can donate to them here.

Lisa Morrow of Inside Out In Istanbul has also written a post about overseas donations. You can view her post here.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out. Your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated from everyone here in Türkiye.

And in case you’re wondering my wonderful fat cat, Evil, got a big bowl of lactose-free milk and lots of thank you hugs for warning us before the earthquake struck.

If want a copy of the ultimate guidebook to Mersin you can grab your copy at any of the following online retailers (and yes it is available in Turkiye):

Amazon US – Kindle or paperback

Amazon UK – Kindle or paperback

Trendyol – paperback (Turkiye only)

Akademisyen Kitabevi – paperback (Turkiye only)

All sales of my books in February will be donated to AHBAP towards the relief effort.

Vroom! Vroom!

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This post is a public service announcement for all the Aussies out there living in Turkey but still fecking around with their Australian driver’s licences. 

Now anyone who has been reading my blog for a while now knows I’ve had my fair share of issues driving in this great country. There was, of course, the great One Finger Salute of 2018, a tale so infamous that the story is still whispered in certain circles both here in Mersin AND in Adana, as well as copious near-misses, traumatic incidents and, well, just general bok involving shitty Turkish drivers!

But that’s not the point of this post.

Let me start again before I get completely off the track.

I love Australia. It’s the lucky country. It’s the land of sweeping plains (and a summer of fecking awful bushfires). And sure, everything might be trying to kill you, but its still a tremendous fecking country. But— 

“OMG! Is Janey actually going to bag out Australia?” 

Nah, never! 

Okay… maybe a little bit. 

Here’s the thing, I’ve held a valid NSW driver’s licence and have been driving for a little over 33 years now (guess my age!). 

Anyone who lives in Turkey knows that waayyyy back in 2016 all foreign driver’s licences had to be exchanged to a Turkish driver’s licence or you had to leave the country every six months to get a new incoming stamp in your passport. I told The Turk back when we needed to transfer our driver’s licences before the cut-off date, and he did transfer HIS driver’s licence. Mine? Hmmm. Nope. We’ll do yours later. But the cut-off! No, it’s fine. Well, it wasn’t “fine”, but you just can’t teach a moron new tricks, can you?

To be honest, I loved the idea of leaving the country every six months, after all coming from a country where it would typically take you a day of travel (and most of your sanity) to arrive in Europe, I thought, yeah, I’m going to hop on planes every chance I get! 

Real-life isn’t like that, though, is it?

It was long past time for me to transfer my NSW driver’s licence for a sürücü belgesi (Turkish driver’s licence). 

Oh, wait!

I can’t transfer it?

Why the feck not?

Because fecking Australia is not a signatory to the UN Treaty Convention of Road Traffic Act, that’s why.  

It seems that instead of Australia joining pretty much the rest of the world and having an across the board set of driving laws, each State has their own no doubt unique laws. I understand why. I mean Australia is freaking huge so it needs different laws for different states but, let’s be honest, if we can’t get our shit together back in Oz, then we’re not going to be invited to any of the cool parties like those keggers at the UN! Bullies!

So way to go guys! Ninety-one other countries have managed to get their bok together but us Aussies are standing at the front door without an invite? I also noticed that New Zealand isn’t on that list. Can’t imagine why unless they have different laws for North and South. Jacinta needs to get onto that pronto (and maybe she can fix Australia up while she’s getting shit done).

Anyway, it was time.

It had to be done. 

I was going to apply for a Turkish Driver’s licence. 

Off I went to a company here in Mersin who undertook driving courses. A Turkish driver’s licence requires the learner to take weekly classes and pass a written test. Bollocking bok! 

The Company also provided me with a learner’s manual in English. Not the Queen’s English, mind you. More like Drunk Google English. Have a go at this:

METALLICA!!! At least it didn’t say Bon Jovi because that really wouldn’t have made any sense, would it?

I also was given a link for practice exam questions. Again I started to wonder if Google wasn’t just drunk but quite possibly on crack! 

I pray that if I’m ever in a coma my saviour doesn’t refer to this page for their medical advice. Seriously. I’d be screwed.

Anyway, all joking aside, I took the exam and passed like a total boss! Google had definitely sobered up by the time I took the exam as the questions were easy to comprehend. Thank goodness!

After a few mandatory driving lessons (by a teacher who was 31 so wasn’t even an itch in his dad’s balls when I got my valid licence back in Oz) I took my driving exam (which, in my case, was a set course on the wild streets of Mersin) and guess what???

I now hold a valid Turkish driver’s licence! Another feather in my Turkish cap.

For those of you who are looking at obtaining their Turkish driver’s licence, all bok aside it’s a pretty easy undertaking. Check out Doc Marten’s page for the most up to date information. 

The only very real glitch was that you need your school certificate, leaving certificate or even your TAFE or university degree. I know it’s a pain but the documents can be obtained even if you are older than Methuselah, like me (this is the link for the NSW replacement but all the Aussie states have something similar). I also took my test in an automatic car so don’t let anyone tell you it can’t be done because it bloody well can!

Oh, and the price? I’m told it varies greatly from city to city but the full course, classes, written exam and driver’s exam usually costs 1500TL. There is also a payment to have the licence issued which is approximately 920TL.

Watch out, Mersin! Now I really can drive like a local, which means while I promise never to give anyone the one finger salute again what I CAN do is eat sarma  while yelling on my mobile, with five goats on my backseat, an angry teyze beside me, while blasting Takan at a bazillion decibels as I drive down the otoban in my 1994 unregistered rust-bucket Tofaş Doğan doing 180kph! 

I actually have another driving story to tell you as well, but I’ll save that for another day because I’ve got real-life shit to get on with. 

Important: If you are driving on a foreign licence and do not obtain an incoming passport stamp every six months it is not only illegal but in the case of an accident, Turkish insurance companies will require a copy of your passport and last entry stamp page be included with the claim documents. If the passport stamp is out of date, then the insurance policy is invalidated, and you will personally be held responsible for the accident. In the case of a fatality, you can be sued for future financial loss by the deceased person’s family.

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Wikipedia Baby!!!

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Yep everyone in Turkey from Adana (01) to Düzce (81) is rejoicing. How do I know the city numbers? WIKIPEDIA TOLD ME!!

For those of you not aware back in April 2017 the Turkish Government suddenly banned my beloved Wikipedia when it refused to take down specific content (as you can see I am being rather vague but that’s because I don’t want to be unceremoniously banned either but if you’re interested in what the content actually was you can see them here). On the 15th January 2020 the ban was quietly overturned by the Turkish Courts and today (or last night more specifically) Wikipedia began to open again.

For someone like me Wikipedia isn’t just at the forefront of people-powered information it is also a haven of useless information. It is Wikipedia that introduced me to Le Pétomane (a performer who could fart at will) and it made me knowledgable on the very real medical disorder called Koro (which is the overpowering belief that your genitals will shrink and disappear). Thank you Wikipedia. Wikipedia also introduced me to the Great Molasses Flood of 1919 that actually killed 21 people and of course it today re-introduced me to the Emu War (which I originally was taught about back in primary school… I know… Australia, right?!). None of this prime information would’ve been available to me yesterday but today…. IT IS!!!

For those of you who want to fall deep into the hole that is Wikipedia or just desperate to wiki Baby Yoda… you could also try Wikipedia’s Silly Things, notable “Did You Know?” entries, and lists of hoaxes. Or move over to TV Tropes where you can get lost in the Fridge logic of precisely why Chandler hates Thanksgiving. Or do anything you want, because Wikipedia is back. IT’S BACK!!!

PS To my local peeps, Trivial Pursuit will now be my personal bitch again!!! Come at me!!!

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How My Weekend Was Ruined

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As we all know, I usually purchase overly elaborate birthday presents for Daughter. These presents typically involve a band and usually involves us flying to some distant location to see the said band. From 5SOS in London and Tallinn to Mayday Parade in Cologne and even following the final Warped! Tour across the US, nothing is too much for our precious prenses.

This year Daughter will be seventeen, and I had amazingly scored tickets to see The 1975 in Istanbul. ISTANBUL! No passport was necessary!! No need to change money!! And no chance of breaking the bank!

Now I have to be honest I was a little surprised to see that The 1975 were coming to Istanbul. They are arguably one of the biggest bands in the world right now however a lot of their music is dark and filled with references to drugs, sex and, well, you know, rock and roll (duh!). You’ve only got to look at their past albums to see just how close to the edge their lead singer, Matty Healy, was. But he clawed his way back and it is reflected in the new stuff – it’s confrontational, emotional and, at times, heartbreaking. I feel like Matty Healy is a man that really benefit from a cup of tea and a hug. Either way, the band always puts on a hella show (I saw them in Sydney in 2016 and was blown away) and both Daughter and I were excited to escape to Istanbul for a few nights.

On Thursday (three days before the concert date and one day before we were due to fly to Istanbul) I got an SMS advising that the concert had been “postponed”. Well anyone who has ever purchased a ticket to a gig in Turkey knows that “postponed” inevitably means “cancelled”. Within an hour of the SMS, all reference to the band had been removed from Biletix’s website and all social media regarding the gig had been deleted. The band’s manager tweeted and then deleted this statement:

For fecks sake!

This is the last time I attempt to see a concert in Turkey. I’ve been let down too many times. I guess it’s back to flying off to some other destination and giving my money to that country instead.

I knew it was too good to be true!

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The Great Plastic Bag Debate

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From 1 January 2019 grocery stores in Turkey are required to charge customers 0.25 Turkish lira (US$0.04) for a single-use plastic bag under new regulations and the Turks have lost their flipping mind over it.

I for one am issuing the seldom given (by me anyway) high five to the Turkish government. It’s the little things that mark the beginning of change unless you are under the gross misunderstanding that climate change is “false news” (insert eye roll here). I personally ditched the single-use plastic bags a long time ago and instead, I seem to have accrued literally hundreds of canvas bags. They’re in the car, in my handbag, under the sink, in the laundry and in Daughter’s school bag. They are in the garden, at my SIL’s and I even have three bags at the local market so they are available for my use (much to the shopkeeper’s mirth but who’s laughing now Mehmet? Huh? Not me, baby!).

recycling 1

Social media has been buzzing (and by social media I mean me because I thought it was hilarious) with photos of genius consumers wheeling wheelbarrows into A101, Teyzeleri washing and reusing their plastic bags, amcaları selling their wife’s mountain-load of bags that she has been saving since 1982 and in an effort to win the Great Plastic Bag War of 2019 one dede even brought his fecking donkey into BIM (which made little sense to me because I usually use the shopping cart when I’m wandering down the aisles). Yes, its all very amusing and even I grasp that we are having a bit of a laugh but the fact is that this regulation is a good thing (despite The Turk having a meltdown when he had to purchase four plastic bags at Migros yesterday – he has never really understood my love of the cloth bag).

Turkey has the abysmal rank of 108 in the 2018 Environmental Performance Index (EPI), produced by the Yale Centre for Environmental Law and Policy, that analyses the environmental performance of 180 nations so every little step forward does make a difference. Istanbul now has vending machines at metro stations where you can recycle plastic bottles for transport credit. I love this! Here in Mersin, you can recycle your old bottles and every bottle that you recycle will drop pet food into a bowl for the stray dogs and cats in the city. Another great example!

I think the Turks just need a little push in the right direction and I can help with that. See exhibit below.

turkish actor 1

This is Kivanc Tatlitug. He is sizzling hot. If he told me to recycle I would. Plastic bags? Gone. Bottles and cartons? Definitely in the correct bin. Husband? Kicked to the kerb if this is what I could find on my sofa.

So to all the poo-pooing to the single-use plastic bag ban just know that we will adapt. Remember when they banned smoking in restaurants … oh, wait…

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Sorry, Not Sorry

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I have tried not to post any political opinions on my blog, and I think I have been somewhat successful at keeping my blowhard points of view to myself BUT here I am today being all political yet again.  I am sure I will offend some of you, but *sigh* I don’t care to be honest.

drama

My very first post on this blog explained how I came to be living here in Türkiye.  I won’t bore you with the details (you can read about them here) but in short, I had an epiphany that would lead me to travel to the Middle East and Türkiye and to that fateful evening when I met The Turk.

I wanted to travel to Jerusalem.  I wanted to learn about this city that is home to major Muslim and Christian shrines, as well as Judaism’s holiest site.  I wanted to float in the Dead Sea, and I wanted to hit all those nightclubs in Tel Aviv.  Finally, I felt a need to understand why there is such animosity about this fascinating part of the world.

DOTR

In preparation for my travel, I took a couple of theology classes to learn about the long, and, at times, painful, history of the area.

I learned that the Temple Mount in the Old City is the most sacred place in Judaism.  It is the site of Solomon’s Temple which is said to have housed the Ark of the Covenant.

I also learned that it is the third holiest shrine in Islam, known to Muslims as Haram al-Sharif. It was the scene of Prophet Muhammad’s ‘Night Journey’ ascension from Earth to Heaven, and the compound incorporates the Dome of the Rock and the Al-Aqsa Mosque.

The city is also sacred to Christians and Catholics with millions visiting Jerusalem to undertake the Stations of the Cross which follows Jesus’s last day as a man before being crucified on a hill outside its walls.

Finally, I learned that I would never truly understand the complexities of the area.

But Jerusalem also has hugely important implications for the Israeli-Palestinian peace process and the United States of America have completely derailed any chance of peace in the foreseeable future with Trump’s recent declaration that Jerusalem is Israel’s capital city.  This has just added to the instability of the region.

I mean he is totally giving the Palestinian people the finger.  Ugh!  The man is a complete moron.

Moving on.

Those that know me personally know that I am no fan of Turkey’s President, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan and his push for power in my adopted homeland however his speech given yesterday regarding Trump’s threats to cut funding if countries didn’t vote alongside the US was, in my opinion, fecking fabulous!

erdogan

By way of context and for those of you living under a rock the US President Donald Trump, being the very embodiment of a bully, threatened to cut funding to countries that would vote against them on the UN motion condemning the US’s recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s capital.

Some of Erdoğan’s comments include:

“They call the U.S. the cradle of democracy. The cradle of democracy is seeking to buy a nation’s will with dollars.”

“Mr Trump, you cannot buy our will. I am calling on the whole world: Do not sell your struggle for democracy for a few dollars. Your stance is important.”

“I hope that the U.S. will not get the result it expects today and the world will give the U.S. a very good lesson.”

Yesterday President Erdoğan made the US aware that they are no longer the powerhouse that they once were and that no country should accede to their whims and flights of fancy.  They have dragged themselves down with their ridiculous agendas, casually forgetting about those who have been, up until now, their friends and allies.  The US has swiftly moved from being a joke to being the most hated nation on earth.

Thank you, President Erdoğan for saying what the rest of us are thinking.

And to you Mr Trump – make your fecking list.  Feel free to bluster and blow wind up your own ass because clearly, no one else is interested in your opinions anymore.

Incidentally, the UN General Assembly voted 128-9 declaring Trump’s announcement of Jerusalem as Israel’s capital “null and void”.

Merry Christmas.

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If I Could Turn Back Time

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The Powers That Be here in Turkiye took it upon themselves to ignore the way the rest of the world operate and have done away with turning back the clock announcing an end to daylight savings.  This means that we are forever on summer holidays which is nice I guess but for today, and perhaps for a few of us dopier peeps, it also means total chaos as we try and decipher what time it really is.

cher-gun

Right now in our house every single clock says its 6:16am … except that it is actually 7:16am.  The reason I know it is 7:16am is that my FIL has already started screaming for his breakfast and, despite the fact that every single clock in our house says its 6:16am and we all should be slumbering it is daylight outside (albeit a little overcast which will no doubt burn off into another stinking hot day).

For sure this bureaucratical bundle of bok will cause chaos over the next 24 hours (or 23 depending on which clock you are looking at).

Turkiye is now at Greenwich Mean Time plus 3 hours.  So for those of you in the UK you are now of course 3 hours behind, for those of you in Down Under you are 8 hours behind and for those of you in the US you are … fecked … and I’m not just talking about your presidential candidates.

And why did they do this you ask?  Officially it is to save on electricity (truely this is the official word).  Unofficially I wonder if this is a religious decision to bring Turkiye in line with Saudi Arabia and Mecca for prayer and Ramadan timing.

Just to prove that this is a real kerfuffle think of Cyprus.  Northern Cyprus is 1 hour ahead of Southern Cyprus.  What about Nicosia?  It’s a half / half city!  And what if you live in Northern Cyprus and work in Southern Cyprus.  Or go to school in Southern Cyprus?  Can anyone say cock-up???

Regardless whatever time you think it is check with someone who does not spend their life attached to a phone or a computer because I reckon they are the only folk who actually know what the feck is going on around here!

Update!  Daughter’s new Iphone 7 did NOT change time.  She has just dragged herself out of bed wondering what all the fuss is about.  “You people are all technologically stupid”!  Direct quote.

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Syria’s Children

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His name was Aylan Kurdi. Do you remember him?  His name is Omran Daqneesh. Will you remember him tomorrow?  All of Syria’s children have names and we should never forget them.  But we will.  Of course we will.

OmranSure we were all rightfully shocked and saddened by what has happened to both of these little boys.  Social media was again abuzz as photos of Omran dazed and bloodied spread around the world.  “How could this happen again?” we all yell from the comfort of our homes.  News anchors were crying on the television from the safety of their newsroom.  People were tearing up on the radio at the thought of poor Omran and his family.  How could this happen again?  Again?  Seriously?  Don’t tell me you didn’t know.  This has been ongoing since 2011.  Omran and millions of others are being bombed every day.  I know real life is distracting and there is a lot of other juicy news stories to cover but please don’t be so shocked by what has happened to Omran.  He is just one of millions of people who have been displaced, injured or killed in this awful conflict.  Tomorrow there will be another little boy just like Omran but perhaps he won’t be as newsworthy.

Today Omran is safe but what exactly is safe in a war zone?  Thankfully the five year old was reunited with his mother, father and three siblings but eight other people were not so lucky and perished in the air strike that destroyed his home and his life.  Will his family stay in Aleppo or will they, like millions of others, attempt to leave Syria in the hope of a better life?  And what life would they have outside of Syria?

AleppoBorders are closing to them.  Options are limited.  There is so much anger and hatred.  Today there are tears for Omran but tomorrow there will again be calls to close borders and to “send them back where they came from”.  Tell me where the feck are they going to go back to?  Omran no longer has a home.  Aylan’s family made the decision to leave in the hope of a better life.  Aleppo is in ruin, hell most of Syria is under siege.  What hope do these people have?

The Syrian civil war began over 5 years ago and thanks to internal fighting, the constantly shifting alliances between the Assad government, rebels and Islamic extremists and the ever flourishing ‘war economy’ over 13.5 million Syrians have been displaced either internally or are refugees outside of Syria.  Turkey is the largest host country with 2.7 million Syrian refugees, Mersin has over 300,000 refugees.  What if Turkey decided to shut its borders or to turn these people away?  How many more deaths must there be?

Yes we should all be shocked and saddened at the photos of Aylan Kurdi and Omran Daqneesh.  We should be embarrassed at the world and at each other that this is humanitarian disaster is still happening in 2016.  Omran’s life will never be the same.  His family’s lives (who are now in hiding in fear of Government backlash) will never be the same.  And for those of you who think they are better off staying in Syria and that the borders should be closed?  Have a good look in the fecking mirror you asshole.  You should be ashamed of yourself!

Photo credit:  Reuters

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My Precious, My Kimlik

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Nerd Alert – I find myself constantly referring to Lord of The Rings in this post.  My apologies.

I wanted to do a post about obtaining my Turkish citizenship but as it would no doubt be longer than my collector’s edition of Lord of The Rings (a total of 1,215 pages for those interested) I kept putting it off in lieu of, oh I don’t know, having a colonoscopy or maybe root canal surgery or even spending an evening having my finger nails pulled out by the likes of Sauron, Osama Bin Laden or Donald Trump.

The ringAnyway, so I kept putting it off waiting for hell to freeze over but as we are now in spring and we have already hit the 30’s a few times here in Mersin it is clear that the second coming isn’t going to be knocking on my door any time soon and so … I give you … the story of my citizenship.

Before I go any further let me get the important stuff out of the way before I start banging on with my unnecessarily long diatribe.

You will need:
• Passport
• Birth certificate
• If you are married to a Turkish national, official documents confirming the identities and family ties of the spouse and all underage children (can be obtained from Nufus ofis)
• Marriage Certificate (in my case)
• Certificate of your ability to speak Turkish (well I think we all know that I did not have that document)
• A medical certificate confirming that you are of good health (obtained at any hastane)
• Four passport sized photographs (bollocks!  Get 10 and then get another 10)
• Completed application forms (we obtained from Emniyet but as mentioned now issued by Nufus ofis)

All documents issued overseas must be translated and notarized.

There will also be unannounced polis checks made to your home, polis reports made back in your home country and fingerprinting done.  It is very thorough.

My one piece of advice to each of you currently thinking about or obtaining citizenship here in Turkey is perseverance is the key.  Be prepared to chase up the documents.  Be prepared to make a nuisance of yourself.  Be prepared to smile despite the fact that you want to rip off someone’s head and be prepared to be in their face as often as you can to ensure that they won’t forget about your application or put it to the side while they watch YouTube on their computer.

Timing wise Mersin seems to be dragging its heels with other cities churning out an approval at a much, MUCH, faster pace.  For me citizenship took nearly 3 years but I understand that some cities can knock over a citizenship application in only 6 months.  Lucky bastards!

Alright.  Pull up a chair, pour yourself a glass of whatever makes you feel good and … let’s go!

When I first applied for citizenship here in Mersin, nearly 156 weeks ago, I applied at the Emniyet.  Since my application the system has been streamlined *cough cough* and now you apply directly to the İl Nüfus ve Vatandaşlık Müdürlüğü (City Population and Citizenship Directorate).

After six months we chased up the application and I have previously written about that incident here.  Another couple of months passed and I was called in to the karakol (police station) for what an interview that will forevermore be called as “The Inquisition”.  In the meantime I had polis attend at our house twice to ensure that The Turk and I were in fact in a real relationship.  All seemed in order.

Right now my application seemed to be coming along nicely however not fast enough and I had to apply for an extension to my Residence Permit (one more year I swear).

Coming into my second year my frustration levels were rising and The Turk was not interested in chasing up the application anymore.  I was at the end of my tether when we got the call from the Nufus ofis.  An interview date with the Vali (Governor) had been set for six weeks’ time however as I had already arranged a trip during that period we were pushed back for the next possible date … a further 8 weeks down the track.  I was happy with that because it gave me time to throw myself into learning the language and so I spent the next 14 weeks having Turkish lessons so I could wow the Vali with my excellent language skills.

Of course on the day I was crapping myself because my language skills sucked and by the time I went to meet the Governator (typo but I’m keeping it) I was so nervous I nearly vomited.  It was crystal clear that I was going to fail the Turkish component of the interview (particularly after the earlier mentioned Inquisition) and they wouldn’t sign off on my application.  Instead they would hate me on sight and immediately throw me out of the country!  Well.  Seriously.  No issue.  Other than a hearty merhaba the panel of professionals that held the interview (there were 3 at my interview plus the Governator) didn’t even look in my direction.  The entire conversation was held in Turkish and was entirely held with The Turk.  Everyone shook hands and we left.  All the paperwork was now to on its way to Ankara for a final decision.  (I will say that I understand this is not a normal interview.  I will say that everyone that I have spoken to has had extremely different experiences when they have had this final interview.  I feel that perhaps the sun was shining down on me that day.)

Woo hoo!!!  Any day now peeps!

NOT!

Time passed and again I needed to renew my Resident’s Permit … again.  So frustrating!  It was then that I put The Turk on notice.  I’m not going through the rigmarole of renewing my RP a fourth time.  If I do not have citizenship by the expiration of this current RP I was moving back to Australia.

And that brings us to December last year when I returned from a girlie weekend in Germany and was asked at the airport to provide my kimlik (Identity Card).  Ummm?  Huh???  WTF???

That Monday we attended at the Nufus ofis with a spring in our step and requested an update.  There was much excitement when we walked in and they congratulated The Turk on his perseverance (hello what about congratulating me for putting up with all this shite?) and they handed to us an envelope.  I felt like a presenter at the Academy Awards … “and the winner is …”  Inside was the Onay Duyu Belgesi (Certificate of Approval).  Wow.  Thank you.  Only 1095 days after my original application peeps!

And this is when it all goes south …

We were told that the polis would attend at our home again in the next few days and once that was done the kimlik will be issued.  Hold on a minute!  I was told at the airport that the kimlik had already issued and this document that I am holding in my hot little hands is a Certificate of Approval.  Are we in the Twilight Zone?  No, you are Turkish now but we just need to follow procedure.  Of course.  We waited four weeks but the polis did not appear.  The Turk started returning to the Nufus each week to try and move the matter forward but to no avail.

In the meantime an expat friend here in Mersin who had lodged her citizenship application approximately the same time as me (did I mention it was nearly 3 years ago) also received her Onay Duyu Belgesi in her precious envelope and within a week she had received her kimlik!  What the holy hell?

Another couple of weeks went by.  Anything?  Nope.  Nothing.

So we went back.  And this is what happened:

Go to the Nufus.  Sorry.  Polis check needed.

Nope.  On the advice of my kimlik holding expat friend I confirmed online that the law has now changed and a further Polis check is not necessary.

Back to the Nufus.  Dude the law has changed.  Check it!  No, he tells us.  It has now changed again.  Seriously?  In the space of 3 days?  Sorry.  Wait for Polis check.  Dude I’m telling ya check it again!

OK yes you are right.  Go to Emniyet.

Went to Emniyet.  Sorry.  Go to the Nufus.

Back to the Nufus.  Waiting on Polis check.

Are you fecking serious?  The stupid is so stupid that it actually crushes you until you become as stupid as the stupid!

 

The finger

We began to experience life at the rate of several WTF’s per hour and The Turk just couldn’t take anymore.  His sanity was being held together by duct tape and chewing gum.  I wasn’t sure if he would go postal or would have a heart attack and drop dead on the spot (which would no doubt delay the issue of the kimlik yet again) but instead he sensibly went to see our local Belediye Başkanı (mayor) here in the Village for a little advice.  The mayor rang the patron at the Nufus who confirmed that the kimlik should have already issued.  Feck my life!

The next day we again attended at the Nufus where we by-passed all the plebs and went straight to the patron.  He took us over to the appropriate desk jockey and instructed him to issue the kimlik immediately.  Five minutes later … Sorry.  No polis check.  Come back after polis check.

Now being a patient, gentle sort of girl I generally don’t worry about the little things but when the imaginary people in my head start shouting, “no fecking no you feckity feck!” I know things aren’t really going the way they ought!

I looked around for a nice strong looking pillar so I could smash my head into it but instead we went back to see the patron, who took us back to see the pencil pusher, who grumbled under his breath like a petulant toddler until … finally … it happened … nearly three years but … I got my KIMLIK!!!!

Yes peeps to quote the fabled Mr Frodo Baggins, “It’s done, it’s finished”.  No more do I have to enter the gates of Modor.  I had returned the ring to its rightful place and I can now rest easy.  I wanted to high five the pleb/desk jockey/pencil pusher/sulky child but thought better of it.  I walked out of the Nufus ofis with my head held high and a great big smile on my dial.

Its done

I am a Turkish citizen.  The short line at the airport is now MY line!  Oh and I am no longer a yabancı and woe be it to anyone who dares call me one!

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My New Motto

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I am going to try and keep my posts nice and light for the next few weeks.  There is so much going on over here right now with protests, bombings, the parliamentary elections and the humanitarian crisis so rather than focus on the negative and start sprouting off about things that I cannot possibly fully understand I will move forth with this motto – “If I don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all”.

This will have a two-fold effect on my life (and my sanity).  I won’t get grey hairs (read that as more grey hairs) and also I won’t have the internet trolls pestering me anymore.

So watch out for my next uplifting post on unicorns, kittens, ridiculous happenings in the village or perhaps another expose on the Turkish moustache.  To give testament to my new motto I have included this photo of a kitten to give you a clear indication of what will be posted in the future – unfollow me now.  You have been warned.

 

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